What does "take the lead" mean in a relationship? 50+ people answer
A guy in our Instagram community asked something I think the majority of men have wondered at some point:
"What do people mean when they say they want someone who takes the lead?"
“For me, I don't want to take on the "mother role." I want a man to take charge for a change.”
-Community member
The easiest way to kill a vibe (in my humble opinion) is to get asked out, say yes, and then immediately get asked "so where do you want to go?" There's an unspoken dance in early dating: courtship, and it has a very specific energy. One person pursues, the other receives, and it lives or dies on momentum. When someone pursues you and then immediately defers, it feels like the pursuit was the easy part and everything after it is your problem now. Going passive after showing interest? It made the turn-offs list (more than once). And to be fair, it's not all on the person leading. The other person brings something too. Receptiveness, warmth, and showing up in a way that makes the pursuit feel worth it. That is the dance, that is courting.
What does "takes the lead" actually mean? Here's what people said:
The most common mention, was initiative and planning. Specifically: making decisions without being asked, without being nudged, and without a 45-minute back-and-forth about where to eat.. I'd take it a step further and call it what it really is: decisiveness.
"Plans dates, calls/texts first, & 'owns' the process. Doesn't sit back and wait."
"Make the plans."
”Takes initiative, pays attention to your likes/dislikes and shows you."
"Pursues and plans."
"Plans things without asking my opinion on everything."
Simple. Practical. And rare enough that dozens of people felt the need to explain it. It also showed up in 51 things women will never tell you directly.
For the reader who wants more.
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But decisiveness is only part of it, initiation is the other half.
Planning is logistics. Initiation is energy. It's the person who reaches out first, who doesn't wait to see if you'll text before deciding how interested they are, who makes you feel pursued rather than convenient.
Here are a few responses from women about initiating:
"They are looking for someone to initiate and execute everything from dates to travel."
"Initiates contact, communication, etc."
"Plans one on one and social events. Takes initiative in romance."
Caveats:
There's a difference between being decisive and being controlling. Taking the lead means initiating and owning the process, not overriding your someone’s preferences or never asking for input. The goal is direction, not domination. There's a time to just make the plan/ decision, and there's a time to say "I was thinking X, but what do you think?" Knowing the difference is also part of the dance. Passivity and poor communication showed up on the men's ick list too (this dynamic isn't one-sided).
Here is the list of what others said about what “taking the lead” means:
As a man, plan a date, plan a trip, or at least have suggestions. Be proactive.
I expect you to put in all the effort and figure out what I want without me having to try at all.
Initiate and make decisions.
Takes initiative, pays attention to your likes/dislikes and shows you.
They are looking for someone to initiate and execute everything from dates to travel.
They want someone who is decisive and can make the big life decisions they don't want to.
For me, I don't want to take on the "mother role." I want a man to take charge for a change.
Typically a woman seeking a partner who is willing to take the initiative to be a leader.
Lead with honesty, good values, attention to detail, charisma.
Dom.
Don't be a pussy and be a man who can lead.
Having a long term vision in life and for the relationship. He is proactive and plans ahead.
Men can lead a household but only if the woman isn't constantly challenging him.
Plans things without asking my opinion on everything.
Take control of the situation.
Pursues and plans.
Acts of service essentially, and doing it well, and without asking.
"I want you to do everything while I turn my brain off until I want to resist following you..."
Taking initiative or ownership.
Make the plans.
Plan dates.
Plans dates, calls/texts first, and "owns" the process. Doesn't sit back and wait.
Line leader when walking single file... obviously.
Be you, take initiative, be consistent and reliable, inspire others through your good traits.
Emotional leadership. Women look to men like a mirror. They want safety and security.
A general leads his army. If a girl doesn't respect you being general, find a new girl.
Planning, taking initiative in general.
They don't like making a decision.
Taking charge.
It means she doesn't have to use her brain lol.
Read my book: This is Why — Understanding Human Behavior, Rob Abel.
They want someone to make plans thoughtfully and the confidence to follow through.
You don't want to make any decisions.
Confident, dominant, high agency, high conviction. Makes space for things to happen.
A decision maker.
You take care of things and make the decisions, like where to go for dinner.
There are leaders and there are followers. I need a leader.
There always has to be a decision-maker in the group.
Initiates contact, communication, etc.
Some are submissive and want domination, others lack confidence or experience to lead.
"Give me 3-5 options...but I'll still pick the 6th option you didn't initially offer."
Takes the initiative.
Someone to take control of the relationship decisions such as vacations etc.
Shows who they are.
Plans one on one and social events. Takes initiative in romance.
Sets up the dates, opens doors, makes final decisions and of course, pays.
Someone who has the collective interest in mind when making decisions.
Someone who plans things, organises dates, initiates things etc. Pushes the vehicle onwards.
Makes decisions.
More passive-aggressive. Someone think for me so I don't have to.
Thank you to everyone who shared their opinons!
As always, if you enjoyed this insight, please share it with some friends.
