What pattern caused you the most pain in your relationship?
Love isn’t for the weak.
You’ll see how the majority of responses include underlying emotions of fear: Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being enough.
Intimacy isn’t just sex, it’s vulnerability. The type where you share the depths of your internal world with someone you hope will choose you regardless of what’s illuminated. This level of vulnerability is scary, I can’t disregard that. But the reward of being fully seen, supported, and celebrated for who you are is worth leaning into every wince of discomfort.
The other common responses included: people pleasing, having a lack of boundaries, and self-abandonment. These 130+ responses give us insight into what people wish they did differently in their past relationship(s). I hope you find this article as insightful as I did!
Related article: Relationship Advice You Wish You Heard Sooner
Question: “What pattern in your love life caused you the most pain?”
Lying about something. Trying to avoid damage but it led to a deeper burn.
Love will save/ fix me. I found strength + self-love and it went away.
Putting my partner first always, every time. Last one was the worst and I had nothing left of myself.
Falling too fast/ not living in the moment.
Not committing.
Lack of setting healthy boundaries.
Not branching out of my network before.
Not saying how I feel or what I mean is a form of self-betrayal.
Accepting crumbs.
Subconscious fear.
Not communicating clearly.
Gravitating towards chemistry over compatibility.
Choosing emotionally unavailable men.
Choosing men that weren’t ready to prioritize me/ us.
Race.
Not getting a relationship past the 3 month stage.
Believing the story that “I’m not enough” or “too embarrassed” to be loved.
Not leaving when I knew I should.
Staying far way too long when I was surrounded by people telling me to leave.
Having a type.
Over pleasing.
Falling in love with what someone can be instead of who they are and then trying hard to make it work.
Not saying how I feel out of fear of being left.
Caring for broken women.
People pleasing and not vocalizing my needs.
Being attracted to women. I feel like my life would be way easier if I was gay.
Prioritizing work/ not dating enough.
Falling for someone too early.
Wanting more.
Being treated like crap for years and allowing it.
Fomo.
Not taking a stand.
Not having a love life.
Always having to be “right”.
Trying to help a partner succeed without their participation. I get burn out and they get a free ride.
Not being clear and firm on standards that are a non-negotiable for the both of us.
Forgetting about my own needs
Falling in love too fast.
Lacking confidence.
Not setting serious goals together.
Social anxiety.
No guessing. Focusing on the physical and not the absent depth of character.
People pleasing because of low self esteem.
People Pleasing/ not prioritizing myself… I used to stay in relationships for too long.
Don’t communicate (talk/ express) the things that really bothered me.
Lack of passion from my wife.
Settling.
Being too good to my woman.
Wanting sex from the women I love. Especially my ex wife.
Thinking butterflies in your stomach was love when they were actually a warning sign.
Holding onto small amounts of good while ignoring the massive amounts of bad.
You have to focus on their values, who they are and how they treat you.
Not just how you feel when you’re with them.
Not maintaining boundaries.
My anger.
Jealousy issues.
Not sharing how I actually feel soon enough.
Lack of communication.
My ability to attract damaged people.
Trust.
Accepting the wrong partner thinking they may change.
Taking on projects. AKA - Trying to help/ fix broken partners.
Not believing I was worthy of being loved for who I was. Once I accepted that, I found a wife!
Reacting to disappointment or betrayal with anger.
Sought relationships over having any self-worth. Never focused on my mental health.
Holding on too long.
Conditional love.
Lack of constant compassion.
Lack of intimacy.
Impatience and temper.
Being too kind.
Poor choices.
My blind ambition at work drove a wedge in my relationship with my ex.
Choosing women who don’t vibrate at the same level of consciousness as myself. Big mistake.
Need for outside validation.
Continuously choosing red flags in men.
Failing to discern the intentions of the other person. I’ve cared, given and been used.
Staying in dead relationships for too long.
Not loving myself first.
Cheap condoms.
Holding back because I’m afraid of being hurt.
Betrayal which resulted in trust issues.
Codependency.
Believing that they want the same thing.
Not being able to understand the real intentions or long term plans of a partner and ending up heartbroken.
I’m too trusting.
Over believing.
Not telling the difference between someone who wants my attention and someone who just wants attention.
Loving too quickly.
Being attracted to looks.
Not setting boundaries or being too agreeable.
Chasing chemistry, not compatibility.
Not having a love life and getting constantly shut down.
Lack of intimacy.
Ignored 100,000 red flags.
Not taking a chance.
Falling for unavailable men.
Holding on to hope for far too long.
Lack of boundaries.
Being too generous with my time, effort, and money. Prioritizing others versus self.
Lack of boundaries.
Being a savior.
Settling.
Giving too much with little return. Over loving.
To love intensely. Pain is the cost of wanting. I’ll take it anytime. Say live and let die!
Not taking initiative to pursue. Fearing rejection.
Shame and jealousy.
Always falling for the one I can’t have.
Trusting people.
Meeting the avoidant attachment style.
Addiction to volatility.
Uncertainty and questioning myself.
Betrayal. Not sure what it is. But they always lie in some spectacular way. Cost me everything.
The fear of not being enough.
Kindness.
Not valuing myself.
Being too nice.
Accepting less than I deserved.
Overlooking things because I like someone.
I tend to over love and drive women away.
Choosing unhappy/ unhealthy but good looking women…
Not taking offered support. I always tried to shoulder things on my own so I wouldn’t share my burdens.
Self sabotage.
Codependency.
My own expectations.
Holding onto potential.
My anxiety and self-doubt.
My avoidant attachment style and inability/ unwillingness to be vulnerable with my partner.
Giving more than receiving.
Not trusting my gut.
Not finding my happiness within myself first. Distorts everything.
Staying after the first lie.
Thank you to everyone who shared their experience with us. If you enjoyed this article, drop a comment below and let me know! If you LOVED it, please share it with some friends!
Xx,
Stephanie
